I am so thankful to God and the power, love, compassion, and goodness He has over this world and furthermore for my life!!!
My path to God from the beginning has been a winding one, even though I grew up in church. My church did not have a very active faith. As a young boy I underwent a surgery that started a life of sexual experimentation. The first sexual experience I ever had was in kindergarten. One of my classmates and I started to show each other our privates. Later she and I got caught because of this and because of my learning/speech disability I was held back and had to retake kindergarten. This was the first time I got in trouble for doing anything with a girl.
Shortly thereafter my family moved to Minnesota. This was very hard for me because no one could understand my speech, due to my impediment. When my brothers started hanging out with the boy next door, I as the little brother, began tagging along and we started to become friends. At school I also had a few friends. The other times I got in trouble for doing things with a girl was in school in 3rd grade when I got dared to kiss a girl on the forehead. In this case also, I got in a ton of trouble.
Having a young mind and not having a spiritual father figure in my life I started to look at guys for my sexual identity. This started a life wrought with pain and hatred of myself. The neighbor boy and I started to have sex, I became “gay” and we had sex from 3rd grade to about 7th grade. At the end of 7th grade we got caught and my mom came to talk to me but she did not know how. Later I would find out about porn and masturbation. These two things consumed my life from the time I found them to the time I came to college. By that point my soul was crying out to the Lord because I knew there was more but I did not have any way to get out. At college I thought I would be set free just by having a roommate but sin can only be taken out by one thing, God. The way God took my life was not a one-time thing but a process that took almost a year. I meet a guy that invited me to FarmHouse Fraternity. You may be like, you met God at a fraternity, but FarmHouse is very different. I went to a small group because the same friend asked me to come with him and it was at FarmHouse. I did not know what I was getting into. Through that small group I finally had a way out because we had a week at small group known as, “Junk Week” were you get all your junk out, and I found that though my story was very different than the others in the group, they still struggled with many of the same purity issues I had.
Later that fall I went to Fall Retreat, where the Holy Spirit rocked my world. I got my heavenly prayer language. I didn’t really understand what that meant so I could not use the power God gave me over my sexual impurity, so therefore I continued to struggle with purity and masturbation. Then I went to Chi Alpha’s SALT conference, where God came into my life even more. I learned much more about the Holy Spirit and what He does. I will also never forget the love I felt from God when I was water baptized. At this point I started opening up to people and letting them pour spiritual knowledge into my life. Through this I continued to feel the love of God through them.
Jumping forward to that summer, I went to summer Chi Alpha and God showed me His love and I started to have the Love of God for others and for the first time I was filled with Joy that comes from the knowledge of God’s love. Knowing that no matter what happens God will always love me, was a turning point in my life. During the summer I read Jeremiah 18, where God told Jeremiah to go to the potter’s house. This verse was very powerful to me because I am a ceramics student and I knew and felt what God was communicating. In pottery, you can remake a piece as many times as you want until it is fired. This was so much like my life because God has changed my life from a life of homosexuality, depression, hurt, hatred, and everything of the world; to a life of love that surpasses all knowledge and tribulation. Now I lead the same small group through which I came to know the Lord at FarmHouse. But I am still being daily shaped by The Potter because I am not yet fully the man of God I am called to be, but try to live according to two verses; 1 timothy 4:12 “Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believes in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity”. This has so many applications to life if one opens themself to follow this verse.
Also 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 “If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” I found this verse in “The Proof of your Love” by Sidewalk Prophets.
This is a very important part of what God has called me to do because I want to be the Love of God for a person that is just becoming interested in a relationship with Him. I am growing closer to what God wants me to look like. I will have to keep fighting the enemy because if I do not the traps that he sets out for will continue to ensnare me. But the Love of my heavenly Father will always have hands out stretched to catch me when I run back to him and he will embrace me like I was a newly born. God is so great because a sinful and filthy person like me can come to Him and find his love, just as the women in Luke 7:36-50. This made me break down and cry the first time I read this because I could come to the feet of Jesus and know that I will never be judged for what I’ve done. I will always know that He loves me and verse 47 shows how I can love much because I have been forgiven much. As a reflection of His love, I long to love others with but a fraction of the love He has shown me.